Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
