I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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