and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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