My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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