Girls should come with a carfax report
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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