I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
