I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
