So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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