ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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