i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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