he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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