It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
