your thong is hanging out like whoa
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
