If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize