i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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