Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
