I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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