Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
