Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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