it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
