I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
