I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
