Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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