i already hear my dad disowning me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
