her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
