if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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