u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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