Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
