Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
