i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
