I love black thongs
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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