He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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