If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
