pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize