I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
