all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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