You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
