everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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