so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
