my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
