16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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