What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
