I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
