I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
