but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
