I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
