hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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