Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
