my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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