you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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