and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How does it feel to date your dad?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
