i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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