if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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