i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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