i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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