I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
