we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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