Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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