Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
