I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i've created a new STD.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
