i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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