I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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