Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize