when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dignity is for republicans.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
