we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
